Saturday, December 10, 2011

What Happened to That Good Old Fashioned Christmas?

We decided on a midnight clear to go a-wassailing at Bubba's Bar and Grill. Granted,  mama was in her kerchief and I in my cap and we had just settled down for a long winter's nap, but it was such a silent night and we yearned for some holly, jolly Christmas cheer.  So, dashing through the snow, we decided to partake in the most wonderful time of the year at Bubba's. 

When we got there, we were dismayed to find that no one was rockin' around the Christmas tree, as we had envisioned.  Instead we found many bleary-eyed patrons at the bar, apparently having a blue Christmas. Nonetheless,  we decided we could bring some tidings of comfort and joy, found a booth and perused the menu.  When the waitress made her way over, I smiled cheerfully and said "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, eh?" 

To that she replied, "Whadya want? Just so ya know, we're out of the special." 

She obviously was in need of a cup of cheer herself! I noticed that the menu was remiss on many holiday items and thought it possible that they may have neglected to put them on the menu. 

"Bring us some figgy pudding!" I joyously pronounced! "And bring it right here." as I patted the greasy table in front of me.

"Ya gotta be kidding, right?" she barked.

"And perhaps a side of chestnuts roasted on an open fire!" 

"Listen, pops, we got no figgy pudding, we got no chestnuts! We only got what's on the menu!"

I tried to maintain my calm good humor.

"Listen, my dear, we have come over the river and through the woods to share some Christmas cheer! In the air, there's a feeling of Christmas! Can't you feel it?"

I waved my hands around above my head so she could feel it.

"I'll take a beer," Mama said.

Now I was becoming a bit miffed.

" I came for wassail and figgy pudding, by golly! Where are the silver bells, the children laughing, people passing? Dammit, I wanted smile after smile! I was dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know...."

The empty eyed people at the bar were starting to stare.  The waitress bolted toward the bar and a burly man in red came over.

"Hey, I'm the manager here. You got a problem?"

Oh, my word! I was stunned! His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! Although he smelled quite strongly of Jack Daniels, I was sure, quite sure, that this was the jolly old elf himself!

"My good man," I said. "I was asking the lovely young lady for some wassail and figgy pudding, in celebration of the holidays! Glad tidings I bring to you and your kin!"

"Ain't got no kin and I ain't got none a'them things that you ordered! I'm gonna hafta ask ya'll to leave." 

I noticed some of the other gentlemen at the bar coming forward. Although, at first, I thought they may have wanted to wish me happy holidays, I saw no joy in their eyes.

"Do you hear what I hear?" Mama's eyes grew wide.

Out in the parking lot there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a screaming squad car and someone yelling, "Over here!!!" With a large uniformed driver so large dressed in blue, I knew in a moment there was nothing I could do.

"Officer Rudolph, here. Let me take you folks back home."

I looked at the car with its strobing red lights. Of course, it all made sense.

He spoke no more words, but went straight to his work, holding me firmly with nary a jerk. Opened the door for the missus and me and nodded at the manager solemnly. As we sat in the back and drove out of sight, we heard the manager yell,

"Tell Elderly Angels to keep their folks locked up at night!"